


Not Her Own

by marissalyn14



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Hollstein - Freeform, angsty af, carmilla with everyone she has ever loved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-12 07:53:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4471295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marissalyn14/pseuds/marissalyn14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla has never been her own person and here's why...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Father

**Author's Note:**

> This idea was brought on by this amazingly genius post here: http://vampireinthemachine.tumblr.com/post/125133185327/while-were-on-interesting-fic-ideas-tonight and they were kind of enough to allow me to borrow the idea.

Carmilla was her father’s to marry off, his little girl, the woman he wanted proper and ready for the husband that would soon own her before she aged past her teenage years. Don’t get the man wrong though, he loved his daughter. He loved her more than her three brothers and sister, in secret of course, parents mustn’t pick favorites.

Carmilla was his countess. She was his pride and joy. His firstborn. 

Carmilla was the one he sat down at the end of every long day and taught to read. She was the one he taught the pianoforte to. 

Carmilla was his most prized possession.

XXX

“What are we reading tonight, darling?”

Mircalla, aged 7, looked through the section her father instructed her to pull from, before deciding on an older book with weathered pages, and a spine that’s been cracked in half. “This one, Papa.” 

He nodded his head, satisfied with her decision, and motioned for to sit beside him on the couch. “You’re going to read it today.” He said as she sat down.

“But I don’t know how to read.” Mircalla whispered, ashamed for never being taught. 

“Well you will today, come now, I will teach you how.”

XXX

“Now Mircalla, you must sit straight.” Count Karnstein scolded, pushing her back in so that it was as straight as a wall.

“Yes, Papa.” Mircalla, aged 9, said, splaying her fingers to reach all the aforementioned keys. She truly hated the pianoforte, but she wanted to please her father in the only way she could. She was good at it, so she suffered.

XXX

“Papa, when is our lesson today?” Mircalla, aged thirteen, asked from the doorway to her father’s study. 

Count Karnstein looked over his shoulder from where he was speaking to a man who was there to discuss a meeting with the town’s board of officials. “Mircalla, what have I told you about interrupting me while I’m working?”

Mircalla nodded, sulking from being spoken to with such harsh bite while Mr. Abernathy stood in the room. She hated being treated like a child. She wasn’t a child anymore. 

“Yes, Papa.” She said, shutting the door quietly behind herself as she returned to her maid’s side, the only one that paid her mind during the day.

XXX

“Mircalla, there’s someone I’d like you to meet.” Count Karnstein said from the foot of the stairs when he caught sight of his daughter leaving her room.

Mircalla, aged fifteen, stood at the top of the stairs, looking down on her father and a man maybe older than he. She knew this day was coming, she just thought the man might be younger, possibly a year or three younger than the Count himself.

“This is Baron Vordenberg.” The Count said, motioning to the older man beside him, looking back at her expectantly to come down the stairs and speak to her newest suitor. 

The Baron took her small hand in his own much larger and calloused hand, pressing the top of it to his lips. “Pleasure to finally meet you, Countess. Your father has spoken highly of you.”

“Well I hope I don’t disappoint then.” She knew she shouldn’t have said it, but she was angry. She didn’t want to marry, especially to someone who was much closer to his grave than the cradle. She ignored the side-eyed glare she received from her father, and led the Baron into the parlor to speak with.

XXX

Carmilla loved her father. He was the brightest star in her young eighteen-year life. He was her instructor, her tutor, and her teacher. He was the Count, and beloved by many, and despised by few. 

She loved her father, and didn’t know that when she saw him at the beginning of their family’s Christmas ball, that’d it be her last time seeing him alive. 

She loved her father, but wasn’t too sure she’d miss him after a hundred years without him.

Carmilla loved her father, but soon forgot everything but the memory of his stature after three hundred years of craving to be pardoned.


	2. Mother

Carmilla was her mother’s precious diamond, her Kaiserin, her marionette, her puppet. She was her favorite child to torture. She taught her all there was to know about being a vampire, a daughter of darkness. 

She loved Carmilla in the only twisted way she knew how.

XXX

“Mircalla please, you mustn’t believe such foolish things. You should know better than to listen to a poor smelly old man’s fables.” Lilita Morgan said from her spot across from her in the carriage.

Mircalla ignored her mother, staring out the window where she could gaze at the night sky forever. “They’re not fables mother, there really is life out there besides us.” 

“Maybe, but you’re the diamond in the rough. I don’t need anyone else as long as I have you. We’re going to make the world wish they could tear us down.” 

Mircalla smiled; maybe she could be loved like this. Maybe her new mother could show her the love her father never could.

XXX

“Mircalla, how many times must I tell you not to play with your food?” Lilita scolded from where she stood on the edge of the property. Mircalla had yet again failed to please her by falling for another one of the girls she was supposed to seduce and capture. “None of these girls actually love you,” She continued, “How could they? You’re simply too vast for their tiny brains to comprehend.”

Mircalla swiped the tear out of the corner of her eye, refusing to let her mother see her cry. Vampires didn’t cry, she had been told time and time again. She wanted to keep at least some of her dignity for what was inevitably about to take place.

“You’re becoming too much of a hassle, constantly trying to find love in all the places that there simply isn’t any. The only love you can count on is right in front of you.” Lilita said, motioning towards herself and the two men on either side of her. “Who knew your Sapphic tendencies would cloud your judgment?” She said through an airy chuckle, sizing her daughter up as she stood stock still, ready to flee the scene any moment. “I think you know by now that if you run, I won’t be nearly as nice.”

Mircalla ground her teeth together, her nails digging into the flesh of her palm. 

“You must answer to your mistakes Mircalla, consequences come to those who are careless and absurd.”

Mircalla watched as the men on either side of Maman were closing in on her. She quickly turned, running across the courtyard, but she was still young, only a century old, so when both men grabbed her by the upper-arm and dragged her back to where Lilita stood, mirth dancing in her eyes, Mircalla couldn’t say she was surprised. 

Lilita shook her head in fake disdain. “I recall you know exactly what we do to runners darling, after all you nailed one shut before.”

Mircalla clenched her eyes shut. She remembered the memory vividly. 

“Now are you going to cause any more trouble, or can I count on you to lie in the bed you made?”

XXX

“You remember the plan, correct?”

“Yes, mother, how could I forget it when you keep repeating it every five minutes?” Carmilla asked briskly as they reached the stairs of the hotel.

Lilita grabbed Carmilla’s wrist, pulling her back to look her in the eye. “You should know by now to never use that tone with me, not unless you want to spend eternity without a tongue.” 

Carmilla gulped, nodding her head quickly. “I apologize, Maman.” 

Lilita smiled sweetly, running a soothing thumb over the spot she had just squeezed on Carmilla’s wrist. “It’s quite alright darling, I just want you to remember you’ve been out of play for seventy years, the rules have changed, the game in itself is entirely different.”

Carmilla nodded once more, ready to hear the plan for a fifth time in the past hour. She would do anything for her mother, so long as it meant she could stay above the ground this time.

XXX

Carmilla loved her mother. Her love for her was twisted and forced, but she learned to look for the positives in a very negative lifestyle. Lilita had been her guide, her guidance after her very premature death. She had given her a second chance. She had given her a third chance. She had given her what she herself couldn’t even give herself. So when Lilita Morgan was finally put to rest, Carmilla was sad in the only way she could, throwing herself into the pit right after her creator. Maybe she’d forgive her if she tried to die too. Maybe she’d forgive her one-day for finally living. She could hope. 


	3. Sister

Carmilla was her sister’s little princess of darkness, her dark beauty of the world’s rotting core, her drinking buddy to raise havoc with, and her partner in crime.

Mattie loved Carmilla. She really did, and she showed it in words of stale encouragement and persuasive stories. She really did want the best for her little sister, and her only sibling still alive.

XXX

“Mattie, you mustn’t spout stories such as that, or else mother will have us both for telling lies behind her back.” Mircalla giggled from where she sat on the leather chaise. 

“Oh please, as if you could even believe these lies. You’re bright, don’t let mother make you think otherwise.” 

Mircalla watched Mattie as she sat across from her in the study. “Do you think she’ll ever let us go? Let us live lives that we’d find more suitable for ourselves?” She asked softly, knowing Lilita was out at a faculty function and would be safe to speak of such absurdities.

Mattie stopped smiling, slipping into a frown as she sighed. “You haven’t been alive long enough to lose faith yet.” She simply stated, running her finger along the edge of the wine glass she had been drinking from a moment ago.

Mircalla looked out the window, up at the night sky, and thought once more about the world that she hadn’t seen much of. One-day she’d like to see all of it.

XXX

“Do you think she’ll ever forgive me for my disobedience?” Mircalla asked from where she sat in Lilita’s parlor. 

Mattie looked up from where she was making a drink at the liquor cart. “She’s Lilita Morgan, what do you think? She’ll make you think she forgot while holding it over your head until one of you dies.” She set the decanter down and picked up her drink, taking a sip from it. “But don’t worry, you’re her favorite, so it’s not like she’ll dispatch of you unless you give her a real reason to. I’ve heard her speak before to father, she finds your romantic tendencies to be charming.”

“I knew I was purely for entertainment earlier when she called me into her office.” Mircalla mused as she eyed the night sky out of the window she sat beside.

“Well if you’d stop staring at the stars like you do, and stop worrying about how to not go against mother, she wouldn’t be as inclined to keep an eye on you.”

“She buried me alive for seven decades in _her_ blood Mattie, I don’t think my looking at the sky and worrying have made much of a difference, nor dent in Maman’s plans.”

Mattie shrugged, “I suppose you know her best, mother’s favorite pet and all.”

XXX

“How many times do you think mother is going to make us go to Poland to do her chores?” Mattie asked with an air of mirth around the both of them as they wandered the streets after indulging themselves in far too much blood. They were now drowsy, and walking at approximately two miles an hour. 

Carmilla giggled, staring at her feet hard so as not to trip like the past two times. She nearly broke one of her heels because she wasn’t paying attention. Now she was paying extra attention, so they couldn’t try anything smart. “Maybe we should revoke her right to boss us around, give the workload to Willy boy.” 

Mattie snickered, leaning on Carmilla for balance. “He’d _love_ that.”

“Not as much as he _loves_ that butler.”

They both burst out laughing then, the sound echoing off of the alleyway and reverberating back to them.

XXX

“You think we’d have learned our lesson with the many trips to Florence.” Mattie chuckled as she leaned back against the counter with bourbon in hand. 

Carmilla shrugged, taking a drag from her cigarette. “Saigon is Saigon Mattie, we get two weeks off from mother’s terror, enjoy it. Don’t be afraid to let your hair down.”

Mattie raised a brow at her sister before turning back to the man she had been eyeing up from across the room. “I suppose you’re right this one time.” She fought a smile at Carmilla’s answering chuckle. “I’ll see you back at the room possibly sometime around noon tomorrow.” She continued, pushing off of the bar and made her way over to the man who had returned her leering. 

Carmilla shook her head in amusement, her eyes settling on a girl of her own, polishing off her drink, before ordering two of ‘whatever she’s having’.

XXX

“Do you think she hates me?” Carmilla asked as she wallowed in her drunken stupor in Mattie’s bed where she had been lying for half a day.

Mattie sat at the foot of the bed, reading from a magazine. “You love her, and she doesn’t deserve you. None of them do. They never have.” 

Carmilla met her sister’s eyes, her own glassy and unwavering. “Why does it hurt so much? Why does it keep happening if all it’s ever going to do is hurt me?”

“If I knew all of the answers to your incessant questions, do you think we’d be in the positions we are right now?”

“No.”

“Exactly, now stop pouting like a toddler, and go get mother’s apartment back. That micro Jane Eyre doesn’t own it, and she doesn’t own you.” Mattie said simply before standing and smoothing out her skirt, giving Carmilla a pointed look, and leaving the room. “And get a shower while you’re at it, you smell like sadness.”

XXX

Carmilla loved her sister. She loved Mattie because she was the only one that had shown her the kindness she deserved throughout their time together. She guided her away from Lilita’s suspicious gaze, and kept her from murdering Will on his worst days. Carmilla loved her sister, which was why when Laura was ready to kill her, she begged her to let her go, even made a deal that she’d never see her again as long as Laura wouldn’t dismiss her sister’s eternal life. After all, she could write to Mattie from her place in Saigon whenever Laura wasn’t around. 


	4. Ell

Carmilla was Ell’s biggest secret, her biggest fear, and her biggest regret. She was what was behind closed doors and in hushed silences of the night when she visited after the rest of her family had gone to bed. She was her quiet moments in the garden with hands up skirts and lips on necks. She had been the last face she saw in death.

XXX

Mircalla had seen her from across the room. She had been beautiful, and if mother hadn’t already pointed her out and given Mircalla her instructions, she would have wanted to know her anyways.

She left her mother by the entrance, and made her way over to the beautiful girl whose name she already committed to memory, with light brown hair and a dark blue dress like the night sky. She didn’t know what this feeling she had that left her chest tissue swollen, and her heart throbbing was, but she didn’t refrain herself from feeling it. 

“You must be Miss Cooke.” Mircalla said in greeting, waiting for the girl to turn and face her, immediately being swallowed whole by her dark brown eyes. 

“Please, call me Ell.” She said, holding out her hand for Mircalla to press a kiss to.

Mircalla did just that, standing back up as she watched Ell take her in. She felt herself swallowing dry air as she waited for her to speak again.

“And you are?”

Oh right, yes. Mircalla quickly smiled apologetically and remembered the name mother had wanted her to use. “Marcilla.” 

“What, no last name?” Ell asked.

“Well I thought we were on a first name basis here.” Marcilla teased.

“Yes, but you know mine, don’t you think it only fair for me to know yours too?” 

Marcilla smirked, “I’d like to keep some air of mystery.” 

“Well good for you then that mysteries are my favorite.” Ell said, her eyes flicking over Marcilla’s face, as if to commit all of the details and contours to memory.

“I’d have to agree with you there.” Marcilla said, holding out her hand. “Care to dance?”

“I’d love to.”

XXX

“We must keep this a secret you know.” Ell said after the silence became too much and began to choke her.

Marcilla nodded, ignoring the twitch behind her ribcage. “Wouldn’t want your family to think you a Sapphic demon that lurked in young girls’ rooms when they’re asleep.”

They were quiet for a moment as Ell rolled over to face her lover in the dark. “I mean it, you mustn’t speak a word of it to anyone.”

Marcilla smiled lightly, “I won’t.”

“Just think of it as a game, how fun it’ll be to finally have each other after a day’s worth of lingering gazes.” Ell mused, rolling back over to face the ceiling.

Marcilla nodded timidly, staring at Ell’s face as she gazed upwards. “A game indeed.”

XXX

“Marcilla, aren’t you coming? It’s going to rain any minute!” Ell shouted from her place on the front lawn of her huge family estate.

Marcilla smiled, taking the day’s memories in. “I mustn’t, unless you want your maid to find me under your petticoat.”

“Carmilla, we were just in the garden!” Ell said, a beautiful blush creeping up her neck and into her cheeks, it made Marcilla’s heart expand and her stomach to bottom out. Yes, if she were to go inside with Ell, she’d surely have to have her once more.

“I could never tire of you.” Marcilla said, inching closer to where Ell was quickly backing away from her.

Ell suddenly turned, running across the yard and rounding the house back towards the garden. 

“Run all you want Miss Cooke, I know all your secrets!” Marcilla shouted, chasing after her. It began to rain, and they ended up soaked, but when later asked as to why, Marcilla simply told them that the rain couldn’t be held off until their picnic was finished, so they sacrificed their clothes for a moment’s more of each other’s time.

XXX

“Get away from me!” Ell shouted.

Marcilla was confused. She had seen Ell not three hours before and she had been perfectly fine. Why was she sending her away now? “Ell, please.” 

“You’re a monster!” 

Marcilla froze. She knew? But how did she know? How could she? Had she been drinking? Surely she didn’t know. “Ell-“

“Madam Morgan told me everything, you’re a monster!” Ell answered Marcilla’s question immediately. 

Mother? But how could she? She wouldn’t tell Ell what she was, surely not if she wanted her to do her job.

“Ell, you must’ve had something slipped into your drink.” Marcilla tried again, moving closer. 

Ell pressed herself back against the wall, fear clear in her eyes, fright ebbed between her brows, pure terror in her posture. “Get away from me!”

Marcilla felt something shatter in her chest, her heart maybe? She wasn’t sure, but it hurt more than any pain she had ever endured before. “Ell, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m afraid she does, darling.”

Marcilla whipped around to face mother who stood in the doorway. She stared at Marcilla, cocking her head to the side to take all of her in, a look of clear disappointment on her face.

“Mother, what are you-“

“You were never going to hand her over Mircalla, you were too invested, like a _leech_.” Lilita Morgan moved into the room, looking between Mircalla and Ell. “I just did what I had to do.”

“To hurt me?” Mircalla asked. 

“To remind you what you are here for, why you can’t have what you want because I’m in charge, you’ve seemed to have forgotten that.”

Mircalla shook her head, looking back at Ell who refused to meet her gaze.

“She knows everything Mircalla.” Lilita said, smiling. “And you’re going to be the reason for what happens tonight. You’re the reason she will have died feeling nothing but fear.” She snapped her fingers, two men in suits appearing beside Ell and grabbing her by both arms, dragging her towards the door as she kicked and screamed. 

“We should relocate outside, wouldn’t want to ruin this beautiful rug.” Lilita said, leading the way out to the courtyard.

Mircalla quickly followed them outside, afraid to fight back. Mother would have her killed if she tried to stop what was already taking place.

“I suppose making you watch will be enough.” Lilita said, bored. 

“Please don’t.” Mircalla whimpered, watching wide-eyed as the two men held Ell upright, silencing her with a sharp slap to the face. 

Lilita grinned, “Oh you know how I love when people beg.” 

“Please!” Mircalla yelled as Lilita moved closer to Ell, nails lengthening into sharp claws. “I love her!”

“Oh darling I know you do, the thing is, I don’t care.”

Mircalla watched in complete horror as the light in Ell’s eyes dimmed, bending over to retch at all of the blood. Blood she had thought too precious to drink herself. 

“Oh please, this ragdoll shouldn’t have this much control over you Mircalla, you’re weak. I can’t have a daughter that’s weak.”

Mircalla ground her teeth as she purposely refused to look over at Ell’s crumpled body on the grass. She might just meet her shortly.

XXX

Carmilla had loved Ell. She had been her first love, her first true something. She wasn’t just a fuck or a bust to place on a shelf in her trophy case. She was Ell. She had been her everything for a short while. A short while that had easily felt like a lifetime. She had been worth the seventy-year grave she had lied in. She had been worth the pain. She had been worth it all. 


	5. Brother

Carmilla was Will’s big sister. She was his protector, his ally. She was who looked after him, who gave him attention their mother refused to give. She was his only chance. She was also his last.

XXX

“Who are you?” Will asked from where he sat on the couch. He was looking up at Carmilla perplexed; hair combed back and face freshly shaven. Carmilla knew little about him from what mother had failed to tell you and Mattie had quickly informed you. You knew he had been a soldier in the second war, and you knew that mother had turned him to pick up the pace of sacrifices they could take. 

“Carmilla, your new older sister.” Carmilla said, flopping down onto the chaise opposite him. 

“Mother just turned you then?” He asked, curious.

Carmilla chuckled, propping her head up on her hand, “My mistake, I meant your re-recruited new older sister.”

XXX

“Come on kitty, you shouldn’t listen to her, you know how mother gets, she’s just jealous that you can feel all of the things she can’t.” Will said whilst kicking a rock into the lake.

Carmilla sat, leaning back against a tree trunk. “Maybe,” she pursed her lips, “Or perhaps she just wants to wring my neck.”

“Please, your dainty neck?” Will looked back at her to shake his head, clearly humored by the idea, “She couldn’t bring herself to, me on the other hand she might if I don’t reign in Ben soon.” He said, picking up a rock and rolling it around in his hand. 

“You know, you could always just run away,” Carmilla teased, it was her only form of affection, “See how far you could get before she had the hounds on you.” The hounds were the men in suits Lilita always had trailing behind her.

Will worried a smile on his lips, flicking his wrist a few times in practice before skipping the rock out across the water. “Ben would never leave, he loves his major too much. I can barely grab his attention as it is.”

Carmilla nodded her head, understanding completely. She hadn’t loved again since Ell, but she has tried, hell has she tried. Anything to get the incessant feeling of doing wrong out of her head, the faint feel of hands lingering on her skin, the dull taste of daiquiri on her tongue. Rum still upset her stomach whenever she was in smelling distance of it.

“Hey, you alright?” Will asked, sitting down beside her in the grass.

Carmilla scoffed, had she ever been? “I’m fine, don’t worry about me, fresh meat.”

“I worry about you all the time.” He said in return, standing up. He knew when Carmilla needed time to herself. “I’ll see you later, don’t want to make Ben wait too long, he’ll start reading his books, and then I’ll never get some.”

Carmilla smiled lightly; glad that her brother could feel what she had once felt. Only she knew, he had only trusted her with his biggest secret, and she was going to turn him in. She had to, not because she was jealous of his happiness, but because he had to learn what she had to learn all those years ago. He needed to understand what it felt like to be the slave to Lilita Morgan. He had to know before he slipped up like she had, because he already had by telling her.

XXX

“How could you?” Will exclaimed right as he entered the study.

“If we’re going to fight, we should probably take it outside fresh meat, wouldn’t want mother to kill you as well.” Carmilla said tiredly from where she sat staring out the window at the night sky. 

“You said you understood me! I know you loved someone once too, otherwise you wouldn’t mope around like you do reading existential bullshit on romance by authors that are long dead, and shove your tongue down every blonde with a rack and a pulse’s throat.” Will said, angry and tired himself. Keeping a secret for months was the hardest thing he’s had to do in awhile. After all, Lilita had eyes everywhere.

Carmilla scoffed, “You know nothing about me.” 

“Maybe from nothing you’ve told me.” 

Carmilla looked over at him. He looked small, his face blotchy from tears that he had no doubt let fall unlike she had. “Love is weakness William, it’s what gets you killed.”

“Then how am I still here, how are _you_ still here?”

He really didn’t understand that Carmilla wished she wasn’t. How much she wished Lilita had the smallest shred of mercy to lay upon her and kill her so she wouldn’t have to live through the pain of lost love, and the hope of finding it again while being fed reasons to think that impossible. 

“I doubt it was hard for the girl to turn on you if she had, you’re not loveable Carmilla. In fact, you’re quite insufferable.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” Carmilla let slip out before turning back to the window, closing her eyes once she heard Will’s footsteps leave the apartment. A sob racking her chest as she dug her nails into her jean-clad thigh.

XXX

“I swear William-“ Carmilla began to threaten just as she was cut off.

“If I so much as touch a hair on her head you’ll rip my spleen out of me and feed it to the hounds, I got it.” Will said, bored. He circled Carmilla as they stood in the courtyard long after midnight. “It’s amazing, you’ve managed to fall in love again.” He said as if he was examining a dinosaur fossil.

Carmilla sneered, “I am not in love.” 

“Oh no, of course not. After all how could you fall in love with such an irritating and tiny annoyance?’” He stopped his sauntering long enough to fake a surprised face, “Oh wait, that sounds just like you!”

Carmilla glared at him, nostrils flared. “Just stay away from her.”

“Oh you don’t have to worry about me, Kitty,” he grinned sickeningly sweet, “It’s mother you’ll have to be worried about.”

XXX

Carmilla loved Will she supposed. He wasn’t the worst of company, but just like Mattie, he knew exactly how to get beneath her skin. She guessed she felt some sort of ache when she saw Perry stake him. She couldn’t go to the lake on campus anymore if that meant anything. She didn’t think it did. 


	6. Laura

Carmilla was Laura’s beloved toy, her secret weapon, her wild card, her queen, and her lover. 

She was whom Laura turned to in moments of distress and fucked into the mattress until she felt all the stress slide off of her shoulders. 

Carmilla was her mistress, her girlfriend, and her wife without documentation. She was the one that knew all her secrets, the one to know her entire un-paraphrased past. 

Carmilla was Laura’s life preserver, her sailor upon choppy waves and an even rockier shore. She was her beacon of light on the darkest day. She was her prisoner of war, her cellmate, the Bonnie to her Clyde, the Thelma to her Louise. 

Carmilla was the person she loved the most, and hated even more.

XXX

Carmilla had seen the girl around campus a few times when her mother had sat her down to tell Carmilla about her newest job.

Her name was Laura Hollis and this time Carmilla’s instructions were a bit different. Instead of just meeting her around campus and befriending her, she was to be her new roommate after Will had taken care of Laura’s old one. 

Carmilla had no idea what she was up against, but the girl looked to be a very short livewire that loved books and gingers.

Carmilla had a fleeting thought of finding the girl charming and quickly shook it off as nonsense. She was just a girl, a girl that would soon be dead.

XXX

“I’m sorry, but who the hell are you?”

Carmilla had ignored the girl when she first came in, quickly putting on music, and invaded the mini-fridge to find that grape soda was this girl’s poison. Standing up and opening a can, she took a sip of the fizzy drink before answering her, “Carmilla, I’m you’re new roommate sweetheart.”

XXX

“Would it kill you to actually get your clothes in the hamper, or maybe to, oh I don’t know, clean your hair out of the shower drain?” Laura asked exasperatedly from where she stood in the bathroom doorway.

Carmilla looked up from her book with a raised eyebrow and an even more irritating smirk on her face. “It just might, cutie.”

“What?”

“Kill me.”

Before Laura could say anything else, Carmilla stood from her bed, stuffed a stolen cookie into her mouth, and left the room.

XXX

“Don’t you think the puppet show was a bit insensitive?” Carmilla found herself asking. She had been tied to that godforsaken chair for days, her patience were wearing thin, and her morals were growing spotty.

Laura looked up from where she was studying on her bed. “Excuse me?”

“The puppet show, it was pretty rude of you to treat my past as if it were a show for children.” Carmilla bit out, pouting. 

Laura let her laptop slide from off of her lap and scooted towards the end of her bed so she was closer to where Carmilla sat tied to the chair. “I’m sorry, I guess it was pretty awful. It’s just, puppets always made it easier for me to tell sad stories about my past growing up,” Pushing a piece of hair behind one ear, searching for the right words, “And I guess I forgot that not everyone is like me.”

Carmilla slid her eyes over Laura, catching herself staring before quickly moving her eyes elsewhere. “You guess? Well it’s better than no apology at all I suppose.”

Laura bit her lip, ready to open her mouth and apologize for real when she saw Carmilla shake her head in amusement. 

“Just untie me and we’ll be even, cutie.”

XXX

“Okay, so maybe you’re not the worst company in the world.” Carmilla had said after being stared at for a solid two minutes. 

Laura rolled her eyes as they walked back from the diner in the dark. “Now see, was that so hard?”

Carmilla frowned, her hands stuffed far into the depths of her jacket pockets. “Actually, yes.” 

Laura looked over at her as she walked, unsure of what to say next. 

Carmilla sighed, staring hard at her boots. “I haven’t had someone care for me in a long time.” She thought over her next words before saying them quietly, “I’ve never had a friend before that wasn’t an obligation.” 

Laura nodded, now that was an answer she could accept, an answer that was the beginning to her learning more about her roommate than just landmarks in her history.

XXX

“I could get it.” Carmilla said, causing Laura to spin in her chair and face her. 

“What?”

“The sword, I could get it,” When Laura continued to give Carmilla a dumbfounded look, Carmilla continued, “Pressure depth and nitrogen narcosis aren’t really itches for a vampire.”

“That would be,” Laura shook her head, snapping herself out of the mild amazement she felt sweep over her, “I mean, you’d be risking your life and if your mother found out she would-“

Carmilla cut her off, already hearing enough of all of the things she should and shouldn’t do. She didn’t want to continue having this conversation because she would end up talking herself out of doing it. She would end up talking herself out of Laura. “Yeah, well, my mother fed the only person I cared about to a monster and maybe I don’t feel like letting that happen again.” At that last part, Carmilla slowed her wording, as she grew surprised at her own admittance.

“Wow, that’s, I mean, I know you’re not doing it for me, but seriously-“

Carmilla rolled her eyes, standing up from her bed. “Don’t be an idiot. Of course I’m doing it for you.”

XXX

This was the moment to trump every moment before that could have given Carmilla butterflies. The minute she woke back up with blood sliding down her throat, and two gingers and a Laura standing around her, she thought that she really did reach hell. She felt like death, undoubtedly looked even closer to it, and Laura looked like she had been crying for days. 

Carmilla sat up, moving towards the edge of the bed, and tried out her voice, “Whoa, that was a kick.”

Laura practically launched into Carmilla arms, pulling back she lightly chuckled, “Hey.”

“Hey.”

XXX

Laura was slowly backing away from the towering woman as she continued to run her mouth and possibly dig herself into a deeper hole than the one she was already in. “Yeah…just so we’re clear. You totally turn people into gingerbread and eat them, don’t you?”

Mama Clause thrust forward to grab at Laura, missing by mere inches. “It’s been so long since Mama’s had a Christmas Feast!” A step closer, “I’ll roast you like one of those tasty reindeer.”

Laura backed away further, tripping on a shoe and falling to the floor. Letting out a nervous laugh, she blew her hair out of her face, “Yep. Okay. Carmilla?”

Carmilla sat in the booth behind them, rolling her eyes, clearly disgruntled with how Laura had been treating her like a child this entire time. “Oh, really? I wouldn’t want to ruin your holiday fun…”

“Evil Christmas lady trying to eat me here!” 

“You know, with all of my inappropriate mayor biting and talk about murdering people for Christmas-“

“Murder her for Christmas!” Laura shouted, interrupting her girlfriend’s small tirade, “Murder her for Christmas!”

Carmilla sighed, sliding out from the booth, and doing as she was told. Murder her for Christmas, indeed.

XXX

“I really wish you’d cut the whole mythologizing.” Carmilla said, as she stared down at her book. 

“What?” Laura asked, turning to face her, confused.

Carmilla shrugged, “Trotting me out like some prized pony. Carmilla the heroic vampire who saved the day.”

“But that is what you did.” Laura said, reminding her of the time she had plunged into the pit to save Laura and the entire campus from an impending fate. She moved over to the leather chaise to sit beside Carmilla. 

“Not the way you keep telling it.” Carmilla said, curling into Laura’s side, resting her head back on her shoulder.

“Well, what’s wrong with the way I’m telling it?”

“Like it were _easy_ , like I wasn’t scared the whole time. Like it’s your reason to like me.”

XXX

“Why did you never tell me you had a sister?” Laura asked Carmilla once they were alone. 

Carmilla faced her, a brow raised in amusement. “You really think I had time to share all of my gory details with you, between Will showing up and Mother taking the brainiac, I didn’t think you would really want to know more than you did that day when I was tied up.” 

Laura sighed. Carmilla was right. They weren’t like most couples that got to go on dates every Friday night and get to know each other. They were lucky they knew each other’s last names, let alone family members and how powerful they were. “I’m sorry, you’re right. It’s just, it’s a lot to take in, and now that your sister is the one behind all of these murders-“

“Hey, no one said anything about Mattie being the reason for those nerds dying.” Carmilla interrupted, immediately going on the defensive for her big sister.

Laura shook her head in disbelief, “You’re taking her side on this?”

“No Laura, I’m taking my own side. Mattie said she didn’t do it, and I believe her. She’s never lied to me before. I know Mattie, and if she killed them, she would have owned up to it.” Carmilla said, sitting down on their bed beside Laura.

Laura stood, grabbing her pillow from off of the bed; “I think I’m going to sleep on the couch tonight.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes, “Cutie, you don’t have to do that. If you really don’t want to share a room with me tonight, _I’ll_ go sleep on the couch.”

“No Carm, it’s your mother’s apartment. You stole it fair and square, you deserve to sleep in her bed.”

XXX

“Laura, you can’t be serious!”

“But I am Carm, if you love me you’d stay. You’d fight for me.”

“I am my own person, Laur.” 

Laura chuckled, smiling sinisterly as she cocked her head to look at Carmilla straight on. “No you’re not. You’ve never been your own person. Everyone you’ve ever loved has died or will die. Except for me, because you need me more than I need you.” 

Carmilla felt her stomach churn, her intestines tying themselves into knots. “You don’t mean that.” 

Laura stood from her chair, looking out of the window at the dwindling protestors. Carmilla had killed most of them upon her request. LaFontaine and JP died with them. They had just gotten in her way. Carmilla couldn’t believe she had asked her to kill them. Laura hadn’t even batted an eye when she told Carmilla to make it quick, that Perry and Kirsch were next. Danny had been last, and as much as it pained Carmilla to say, she was the worst to kill. She put up a fight, but in the end, vampire beats human every time. “I’ll need you to get rid of those pests before you do that though, their chanting is beginning to give me a headache.”

Carmilla stood shell-shocked. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for Laura; that much she had learned over the past couple of months. What she wouldn’t expect is for Laura to twist her own words, to brainwash her, to make her think that Laura was all that she could ever have again. Carmilla from a year ago would have laughed in the face of the Carmilla she now was, weak because of a puny human girl that had her wrapped around her finger.

After everything that they have been through, after everything that they’ve done, the last thing Carmilla would have expected was this. She would have thought she’d sooner die than for this to happen. 

It had been her biggest fear, the most reoccurring nightmare, the image of mother inside of Laura fresh every time she closed her eyes.

“You’ll do this for me though, you always do.” Laura had said earlier on in the day. Carmilla had thought that it had been bad when she had to explicitly tell her that what she was doing was for her, but now it was expected of Carmilla to lay her neck bare on the chopping board for Laura’s every wish. Carmilla hadn’t been too sure about which was worse, until today. Laura expected her to kill her sister, her only living sibling left. 

And the scarier part was that Carmilla wanted to please Laura. She wanted Laura to stay. She needed Laura more than she needed Mattie. She wasn’t a young fledgling anymore, she was into her fourth century; she didn’t need her big sister anymore. 

She didn’t need anyone but Laura. 

Laura didn’t need anyone but her. 

“It’ll be done.” Carmilla whispered into Laura’s hair, pressing a kiss to it.

Laura hummed her approval, a hand stroking down Carmilla’s side, “You know where to find me when you’re done.”

XXX

Carmilla couldn’t believe she had done it. She had done it. She had killed her. She had killed the only person that had ever loved her back. She had killed Laura. She had killed Laura, because she was never going to stop. She had turned into the dean, and she had Carmilla kill whoever she deemed fit to lose their life. 

Over just a short period of time Laura had lost her mind to the pressure of becoming Silas’ hero. She had lost her beliefs and her morals. She had lost everything that had ever made her Laura. She had lost Carmilla long before she believed she had. She had lost her life because of her own mistakes. She had lost. 

“Come on darling, you shouldn’t stay here.” Mattie said, reaching out a hand for Carmilla to take. 

Carmilla was silent, too still to be crying, too heartbroken to fake breathing. “She was never going to stop.”

“I know.” 

“She was never going to love me for more than what I was capable of.”

“I know.”

“She had me kill all of her friends.” 

“I know.”

“I loved her so much.”

Mattie sighed, turning Carmilla to face her. “You did everything a fool in love would do. You trusted her, and she took advantage of you. She overestimated you.”

Carmilla nodded sadly, standing slowly to her feet on wobbly knees. “Do you think I could just follow her, to wherever she went?”

Mattie shrugged, “That is your decision darling, but I think you and I both know that you love life too much to ever say goodbye to it.”

“I loved Laura more.” 

“Well, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you this. There was nothing else you could have done tonight. You’ve tried to reason with her, and she wanted me dead. You made the right decision, Carmilla.”

Carmilla sighed, taking one last look at Laura lying with eyes closed and lips parted on the bed. Her skin ghost white, the bruises beginning to show around her neck. She turned away, walking out of the room and out of the apartment all together, the only thing running through her mind being, _did_ she make the right decision?

XXX

Carmilla shot up in bed, her skin clammy and cold. Breathing heavily, her eyes darted around the dark room. Quickly looking down at the lump in the bed beside her, she let out a heavy breath, tears brimming in her eyes. Laura was asleep beside her in their apartment off campus. She was alive, and it had all been a dream. It had all been a dream.

XXX

Carmilla was Laura’s first true love.

Laura was Carmilla’s second true love, she was also her last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what'd you think? Did I fool you? Let me know!
> 
> You can find me here: thisismyhalfroomcutie.tumblr.com
> 
> Also if you wouldn't mind, you can check out my newest hollstein video I made here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uB_c7tD65pQ

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! 
> 
> You can find me here: thisismyhalfroomcutie.tumblr.com


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